Things No One Told Me About Being Pregnant

I know, I know, it’s a blessing....it will all be worth while at the end...it’s the miracle of life....blah, blah, blah.  That is all hunky-dory, but there are a few things my family and friends forgot to mention in their quest to convince me that being pregnant is the best thing ever.  

Such as:

Parachute underwear - have you ever seen maternity underwear?  I am sure maternity stores sell these in bulk to the Military to be used as back up parachutes in training.  Now, those being huge are not the sucky part.  The sucky part is when you are still not quite huge enough to wear the parachute, but not small enough to wear your old underwear, which leaves you with a hanging underwear pouch that would make any marsupial jealous.  The worst is wandering underwear.  Thats when the underwear decides it no longer wants you to wear it and decides to start making his way down your butt while you are smack in the middle of the mall with no bathrooms around.  I, like a swift and agile pregnant ninja, have mastered the reach in and pull up technique and will be offering technique lessons over the weekend for those of you suffering from wandering parachute syndrome. 

What is that smell? – did the dog poo somewhere?  Is it my shoes? My friend Mandy told me her sense of smell was heightened during when she was pregnant but I didn’t know I was going to be able to smell a fart in China. 

Firegut– also coined “cheeseburger crotch” by another fellow mom on the internet, Firegut is what I call the excruciating pain that engulfs your pelvic area due to the stretching and loosening of ligaments in preparation for birth.  I knew I had found the right man when I asked my dear husband for an ice pack to “ice” down my Firegut and he already had one made…..awww…true love.  I have accepted Firegut as a reality of pregnancy and often refer to it as my imaginary friend… “Firegut and I went shopping today”. 

Chewbacca – Most pregnant woman know that hormone levels will cause hair to grow in places where no hair has grown before.  I have been fortunate enough not to endure this, unless of course I have a patch of hair growing somewhere I can’t see and no one has told me.  My legs, however, are a different story and although I could blame hormone levels, I have to admit that shaving when you have a bump like I do, is a pain in the neck.  Maybe a WeedWacker would help.  Something needs to be done before I am asked to serve as stunt double for Chewbacca in the next Star War films. 

Sasquatch – My friend Jimmy jokingly and lovingly calls his wife Sasquatch due to her unusually large feet, which grew when she was pregnant. I always laughed and poked fun when he did this, and now I regret it.  After spending all summer in flip flops, I found myself in a bit of a jam when during my trip to Alaska I realized that my feet had grown….not one, not two, but 2 ½ sizes larger during my pregnancy. None of the shoes I had packed fit.  Unfortunately, it is not that easy to find a payless shoe store in Alaska so I ended up having to buy fur line slippers in a size 11 which was the only thing that would fit.   We then paid for the entire trip by having me peek out from behind a tree with my slippers and charging tourist for Sasquatch sightings. 

Stop, Drop, and roll – Everyone tells you to Stop, Drop, and Roll if you ever catch on fire.  No one tells you,  however, that stop, drop,  and roll is a technique that can also be used to get out of bed when you are as big as a cow…oh sorry….beautifully pregnant.  My mom, you gotta love her, kept it real and told me that stop, drop, and roll was the only way she ever got out of bed when pregnant.  You basically stop trying to get up like a normal person, you drop your legs to the ground like they are useless, and you roll your wide behind out of bed.  It actually works, and thanks to my dear mother, I no longer wave my hands in the air like a turtle that has been flipped over and can’t get back up. 

Niagara Falls – Now, I have always known I am very emotional. My family, brothers included, are all criers and once one of us gets started, it’s all over.  This, however, is ridiculous. I cry at the stupidest things ever.  I saw a bug show the other day…ants to be specific, and saw baby ants coming out of eggs. Niagara falls over here.  I cried the other day when after an hour of configuring my wireless network printer, I got the darn thing to work.  Cried and cried and cried….oh boy. 

To those of you who have never had children….disregard this message.  It is not true…pregnancy is beautiful and a miracle and the best thing to ever happen and all worth it at the end, blah, blah, blah.   Now, if you ever bared children, you may have been lucky and not suffered through any of these. Most likely though, you did, but you may never admit it. Don’t worry, Firegut and I will let the world know.